Friday, October 4, 2013

When you are the bully

When I was at my heaviest, at 274 I avoided mirrors.  In my head I didn't think I was fat.  I  had lots of friends, a family who loved me, an amazing boyfriend.  Even at my heaviest there was very little standing in my way.   Lately I have been noticing since my recent 30 pound loss and 50 pounds to date.   I am constantly looking in the mirror not because I am being vain.  I am looking in the mirror picking apart my body.  Staring at my cellulite thighs, looking at my hanging stomach, grabbing my back fat and wishing it wasn't there.  I am a bully to myself, ridiculing myself everyday.  Saying how ugly I am.   I didn't do this at 274??  Well, not nearly as much as I do now!  Why I am doing this at 223??  
The other day I decided to stop being so awful to myself and to really look in the mirror at what I did like instead of focusing on the latter.   I like how my arms and shoulders are looking stronger.   I am exciting to see my cheekbones and my jawline.   I like my upper abs and how I am slowly starting to see definition.  I know this is going to take a lot of practice to be kind to myself and I know intellectually I should be proud of all the things I have accomplished thus far but my heart hasn't caught up yet.   Practice makes perfect right?? 
What are two things you like about your body?? 
Thanks for reading. 


  1. It wonderful to read that you're going to be kind to yourself..... Personally I think ,
    you're just more aware now ....... I think you were numb mentally and emotionally at your heaviest, I know I was. Joy you are beautiful inside and out so please keep up the good self talk...Mom Q.

  2. What a GREAT post!! It is so true that we're harder on ourselves than anyone else is. Good for you for recognizing it!

    Two things I like about myself face, which is way thinner than it used to be, and my calves, which definitely show the running I've been doing!

    Thanks for posting this!!