Thursday, April 5, 2012

Let down

 I was all ready to start eating  healthy this past Monday but that didn't happen.  It started out okay  on Monday until the end of the night.  When I realized Rob didn't finish the ice cream.  My rational thinking to this was,  "Well I will just finish it, it's not starchy carbs, I will eat it and be done with it!"  Then Tuesday happened, Rob and I went to a hockey game and in the second intermission I went for a smoke and then my mind was only on food " I really wanted something to eat, I can't have pizza, hot dogs or a pretzel..... maybe I will just have an ice cream bar"  and that is exactly what I had!    While driving home from the game,  I told Rob  "I'm hungry", at this point we were pulling into a gas station and across the street was McDonald's.  Rob said "I know what you want"  lol  We drove across the street and bought some fast food.     Then today I decided to do some spring cleaning.  During the day I only had a smoothie and ate a few grapes.  But by the time 3pm rolled around I texted Rob and asked him to pick up Subway for dinner.   Which is fine but later in the night after I took a "nap" from 5pm to 10pm that's when it got bad.  I woke up craving pizza.  I caved and ordered a large plain pizza, garlic sauce and two mini cheesecakes.  I wolfed down half the pizza with the yummy garlic sauce and polished it off with the cheesecakes. 

Why I am tell you this???    

Because I need to be honest with myself and to my fellow readers.  I'm so disgusted with myself.  I feel bloated and I have a really bad stomach ache...   I am only hurting myself.  I do not want to deal with the feelings I have.   I'm  angry that my birth father keeps popping into my family lives.  I made a decision over two year ago not to have any contact with him but still because of his awful behaviour he is brought back into my life, my mom's and sister's.     I just wish he would either leave the country, go into a psych ward or be in jail.   Any of those options would work for me.   Ignoring this issue is obviously not working hence why I wrote a sample of meals for the last couple of days.  

 So what do I do???? 

1.  Go to the gym and walk outside to figure out how to come to terms that I have the same DNA with this man.
2. Go to an OA meeting maybe it will help me not feel so alone.

3. Go to Rama Lotus, going there sometimes helps me reflect on my life. 

4.  Start Blogging more to get my feels out and help me get back on track with my weight loss.

5.  Forgive him for my sanity (maybe look into some reading material) Just writing this down is causing me anxiety.  I do not want to deal with this it causes me a lot of pain.   But that is why I need to!


1 comment:

  1. The written word can be a powerful healing tool particulary when you're writing your own story. Blogging is a great way to get that support during your recovery.Recognizing your own personal triggers is the first step in conquering your binge eating disorder and getting your weight back under control. "Embrace the Plateau! rather than be discouraged tell yourself:""I've done a great job losing X number of pounds and my body is adjusting to the new weight."
    Joy, I would like to think you have the little part that's good in Des that 5% .... Joy ,he's very ill and when you have children with a man the journey is very different that a divorce from a man that you have no children with . So feel the angry , the anxiety and hopefully in time you will be able to let it is a journey and forgive yourself for eating the ice cream....