Good-bye

My life hasn't been very interesting lately.  It  sort of blah for a lack of a better word.   My ankle is still bothering me  and it is  hindering my workouts.   I cannot wait till it is fully healed.   I have been basically working, sleeping, reading blogs, watching television and feeling a tad bored.  I wanted to go out on the town for drinks since I got off early at work  but I realized I couldn't justify spending the money.  Rob went out with the boys for his annual Christmas Basketball Party.  It was nice to have the apartment all to myself.   

 

 I am back on track with eating it feels different this time.  Enough is Enough!  For me there are certain foods I cannot eat and I plan on never eating again because it only leads to trouble and a downward spiral.   With this binge/food addiction I have  to be abstinence from foods that make me binge.   I know it's not going to be easy and some days will be worse then others but I feel more committed then I have in a long time.  I am sick of eating my feelings.  I am done complaining about my weight and calling myself Fat and Ugly.     I truly thought I could eat every food in moderation but now that it is coming up to three years of trying to lose this weight.  I have learned it is not possible.  I have to say good-bye to some long life friends that have been there for me and who have never judged me.   So my dear friends Cookies, Donuts, Chips, Chocolate bars, Ice Cream, Cakes, Pizza it is time to say Good-bye.  Thanks for being there when I needed a pick me up.  Thanks for helping me to forgot about my problems. Thanks for making me happy when I was so angry and hurt.   Thanks for always be there unconditionally but  now it is best if we part ways.  I need to do this in a healthy way.  I need to feel my feelings, all of them good and bad.   I will never forget you and I know there will be times when I will think I need your help but I will have to lean on a higher power to get through this.  

I am thankful to have mother who taught me how to be strong.  

Crappy week

I don't know where to start on this post it has been kind of a crappy week.   I went on a bender on Friday and did not stop till today. My drug of choice was food.   I just was fed up of tracking, fed up of not losing weight, fed up of trying so hard and not seeing any concrete success.  I know it's a pity party for me.   I ate my emotions this week and that kind of defeats the purpose of trying to lose weight.  You might be thinking what's "eating" at you?  Well let me tell you a couple of reasons why?

 

1.  Weather is a huge factor for me.  If I do not get enough sunlight I am miserable.  ( I know I had a plan to fight this but then depression sets it and I don't want to do anything.) 

 

2.  My Manager at work got fired which has been due to happen for a long time!  I am happy he is gone but with this comes change and although I think most will be positive, it is still change and I never do well with any sort of change.

 

3.  I have been working a lot of hours.  In the summer I was getting three days a week off but now with two jobs I am down to one. 

 

4.  Rob and I sat down to start a new budget to pay off our debt this in itself was very stressful and makes me look at how much debt we have, well more like I have since it's my school debt etc.  Don't get me wrong we are very good at paying our bills on time and paying more then the minimum on our credit cards.  But since we will need a new car next year and I will be starting nursing school.   I really want to focus on paying off as much debt in the next year as possible so we do not to have to add to are up coming expenses.

 

5.  The car was in the shop (again) I was hoping it was going to be something simple and cheap to fix but no such luck.  $525 later......  I asked my mechanic (we are besties now since I see him all the time) when I get my next oil change if he can check out the car fully to see what in the future might need to be fixed and his respond was "I see in the future a new car"  lol 

 

6.  I have had to re-evaluate some relationships in my life and this is never easy

 

 

I know my problems are not earth shattering but it's enough for me to have anxiety and to eat them away.  I know this is not the answer, but sometime it sucks when I am truly trying so hard!  

 

Rant over. 

 

Thanks for reading! 

 

How is your week going?

 

Food plans?????

Workouts for the past week

Monday- Cybex maching (30 mins)

                Stationary bike (17 mins)

Tuesday- Walking (25 mins)

                 Stationary Bike (13 mins)

Friday- Spin Class (50 mins)

Total Calories Burned: 1331

I gained two pound this week.  I am extremely embarrassed by this I almost didn't want to type it out but I know I need to be honest with my. For the month of July I am up 1.5 pounds I wish it was down.  I will try to increase the time I spend at the gym and add weight lifting.  As for my food intake something is not working, not for the lack of trying.  I will keep you updated on what my action plan will be. 

What type of diet/lifestyle eating plan are you on ?  (South Beach, Weight Watcher, Atkins, etc)  Do you count calories?  and Do you find writing down what you eat helpful? 

Let down

 I was all ready to start eating  healthy this past Monday but that didn't happen.  It started out okay  on Monday until the end of the night.  When I realized Rob didn't finish the ice cream.  My rational thinking to this was,  "Well I will just finish it, it's not starchy carbs, I will eat it and be done with it!"  Then Tuesday happened, Rob and I went to a hockey game and in the second intermission I went for a smoke and then my mind was only on food " I really wanted something to eat, I can't have pizza, hot dogs or a pretzel..... maybe I will just have an ice cream bar"  and that is exactly what I had!    While driving home from the game,  I told Rob  "I'm hungry", at this point we were pulling into a gas station and across the street was McDonald's.  Rob said "I know what you want"  lol  We drove across the street and bought some fast food.     Then today I decided to do some spring cleaning.  During the day I only had a smoothie and ate a few grapes.  But by the time 3pm rolled around I texted Rob and asked him to pick up Subway for dinner.   Which is fine but later in the night after I took a "nap" from 5pm to 10pm that's when it got bad.  I woke up craving pizza.  I caved and ordered a large plain pizza, garlic sauce and two mini cheesecakes.  I wolfed down half the pizza with the yummy garlic sauce and polished it off with the cheesecakes. 

Why I am tell you this???    

Because I need to be honest with myself and to my fellow readers.  I'm so disgusted with myself.  I feel bloated and I have a really bad stomach ache...   I am only hurting myself.  I do not want to deal with the feelings I have.   I'm  angry that my birth father keeps popping into my family lives.  I made a decision over two year ago not to have any contact with him but still because of his awful behaviour he is brought back into my life, my mom's and sister's.     I just wish he would either leave the country, go into a psych ward or be in jail.   Any of those options would work for me.   Ignoring this issue is obviously not working hence why I wrote a sample of meals for the last couple of days.  

 So what do I do???? 

1.  Go to the gym and walk outside to figure out how to come to terms that I have the same DNA with this man.

  

2. Go to an OA meeting maybe it will help me not feel so alone.

3. Go to Rama Lotus, going there sometimes helps me reflect on my life. 

4.  Start Blogging more to get my feels out and help me get back on track with my weight loss.

5.  Forgive him for my sanity (maybe look into some reading material) Just writing this down is causing me anxiety.  I do not want to deal with this it causes me a lot of pain.   But that is why I need to!

 

Lost 1.5 pounds this week

I am always happy to stand on my Wii and see a loss of 1.5 pounds.  (By the way the Wii fit board is the only scale I have in my home.   If you don't have one it is kinda of a big process to get weighted, First you have to step on the scale and it tells you its been so and so days since the last time you were here,  next it asks you a series of questions Do you want any fitness tips?  How much do your clothes weigh? ,  it then wants to check your posture while it weights you,  Finally it shows your lovely chubby avatar and your BMI.  And your Avatar grows or shrinks based on your weight.   I am still considered obese according  to my BMI, I cannot wait till the day it say I'm overweight lol)

Here is my Wii Avatar:

I had the stomach flu for three days so I was only able to workout once.  It made me frustrated not to, but I know my body needed to rest so I gave it what it wanted.   I am much better now and I am in workout mode again. 

I was at work today and one of my  supervisors is always buying sweets.  Today he bought a black forest cake, he knows I am eating healthy and that I don't eat any sweets but he still offered.  I said "no thank you".     Then my co worker says " one little piece is not going to hurt you"  my supervised piped in "once and a while it is okay"    I said "no" again and told them "you guys are like crack dealers!,  I can't have just one piece or I will want the whole cake"   They laughed.  Although I was trying to be funny it  bothers me that some people don't get food addictions.  It has been two months since I have any sweets (unless sugar free)   I am really proud of that but man there is a lot of people who LOVE to sabotage and try to test my dedication and will.

On a positive note I do have a lot of friends and family who do support me in my choices.  A couple of weeks ago I went to my friends house for dinner and she actually called to ask me what I can eat. I thought it was really sweet.  I never want to be a bother to people when I am at their home for dinner there is always something I can eat like protein, veggies and whole wheat carbs.   I just say no to sweets, fried foods and the white carbs.

Until next weigh in!

Thinking? Planning? Doing?

I sometimes wonder.... Do I give myself enough credit?  Do I do enough to get this weight off?  Why do I sabotage  when I think I am on the right track?  Why do I hate myself so much?

These are the things I think about.....

I  planned on working out 5 times this week.  I worked out 3.

1. Zumba

2. 4o minutes of cardio with my best friend

3. 30 minutes of cardio and 20 minutes of weight circuit

total 1357

Although this is a good start I am so disappointment for not pushing myself harder! There is no reason why I couldn't work out five times other then I was tired.   It is like I do not want to succeed.  Why I am so afraid to reach my goal weight?   What is really stopping me?  

I am trying to be as honest as possible.  It is hard for me and even embarrassing  to write my weight down and to say that  I am food addicted. 

I know what to do, to lose weight.  Eating right and working out.  Calories in = Calories out.  It is  simple!  But have a food addiction makes it complicated. This is a  my challenge to overcome. 

Over eating does make me happy and either does not eating the sugary things I love. So what do I do??? 

For starters deal with the things that are bothering me and find OTHER  outlets to deal with my emotions.

It is kinda like my panic disorder in a way.  I have panic disorder because I not willing to deal with what is bothering me and it comes out as a panic attack.  I know if I start feeling  anxious and focus on my body's responds I panic more and become afraid.   If I actually focus on what is bothering me and breath.  I began to calm down and know the anxiety will pass.  

Writing this down makes me realize  when I get the urge to binge or eat the wrong foods I have to breathe and deal with what is bothering me. I know this will not be easy but I have to believe it can be done.  Because the way I am living right now is not really living. I am constantly obsessing over my body.   I need to start feeling good about myself.

What positive things did I do this week?  

1.Worked out 3 times

2.Organized a budget for myself and have been imputing everything I spend.

3. Went to night school twice this week.  ( I was really embarrassed about taking a high school class at my age, 31 but I am proud that I didn't quit and I am actually learning and understanding what I am doing)

4. Talked to my manager about my shifts  ( This is something that has been stressing me out for weeks.   I have been working at the restaurant for 5 years now and I asked for certain shifts to work which my manager gave me none.  Today I confronted him and I am at least getting two of the shifts I want.  I am glad this is sorted out and I am proud that I stood up for myself)

Getting super tired,  I worked an 11 hour shift. 

Things to focus on for the upcoming week

1. go to an OA meeting

2. deal with my emotions properly

3. cook extra meals so  I won't be tempted to binge. 

Will write back during the week.


What healthy way do you deal with your emotions?